88 days down, 192 to go.

Time seems like it has flown by. It’s a little daunting thinking that the remaining time might go by just as quickly.  But when I really think about it a lot of things have happened in that time.  We’ve had to announce our pregnancy to everyone, discovered morning sickness, paint and carpeting the nursery, coping with morning sickness, buying clothes, buying the cot, doctors’ appointments, hospital visits with morning sickness, many ultrasounds, and a whole bunch of other stuff I can’t even remember.

There seems to be a lot more happening now.  I always knew that there would be a lot to do but before it just seemed that we were waiting for something to happen.  But now it is real.  Alison is starting to get a bit of a bump.  When we go to the ultrasounds it actually looks like a baby.  There is actual evidence of something now.  I always knew that there was a baby in there but there was no proof.  A few weeks ago Alison hired a Doppler so we could listen to the heartbeat whenever we wanted.  It is one of the most surreal things to find another heartbeat in Alison’s belly.  At first it reminded me of the crocodile in Peter Pan.

Where am I

As far as my own sanity is concerned, I don’t even think it exists anymore.  If it does it is locked up inside a steel chest that has been lost in the vast raging ocean that is my head at the moment.  I know that pregnancy is a huge thing for the woman.  In no way do I mean to downplay anything that they go through because it is the single most amazing and demanding thing a human can do.  But pregnancy is kind of a big deal for me too.  No I’m not carrying the child, I won’t go through pregnancy or labour, I won’t be judged afterwards for breastfeeding or not breastfeeding.  I can only imagine what this ordeal is like for Alison.  Actually that is a lie; I cannot try to fathom the immense complexity of everything constantly running through her mind 24/7.  I am so proud of Alison for what she is doing and how she has coped with it all.  It has been incredibly hard on her and she has soldiered on through.

To me Alison and this baby come first.  They are and will forever be the most important things in the world to me.  Right now I am here to do the best that I can for her.  Whatever she needs I will do everything in my power to make that happen.  I am trying, but sometimes I feel useless. There is no other way of describing it but the thesaurus says I also feel ineffective, futile, and unsuccessful.  I just hope I am making some difference in the big picture.

It’s real

Alison is literally making a person.  That still doesn’t sink in all the way when I say it to myself.  She, is, building, a, human… A HUMAN!  I like to think I’m pretty skilled in the kitchen, making baked goods and dinners etc. but her body has spent the last 12 weeks turning 1 cell into a baby.  Yes it is only 6cm long but a formed baby none the less.  Now it just needs to get bigger.   From what I have read, I seem to be the average expecting father.  Because we are changing like the mother it is much much harder to understand where she is coming from.  We cannot conceive what she is feeling and nor should we, it is something that we will never have any first-hand knowledge of.  The big moment is supposed to be when it’s born and the guy finally has something to make it real.  But for me when I saw the 12 week ultrasound and the baby was grabbing and fidgeting, I saw it’s skeleton and organs had formed, I saw my child’s arms and legs, I saw them squirm and jump around, nothing can prepare an expectant father for that, nothing.