Well in to the second trimester. Fifteen weeks tomorrow. Practically 4 months pregnant. Almost...
In the meantime... I can honestly say I never expected pregnancy to be this hard.
There, I’ve said it. I am only (almost) 4 months pregnant with my first child and so far I can safely say that I’m not digging the pregnancy thing at all. This is a confession I have been reluctant to make out loud to anyone other than Ben. I mean... we are pregnant with our first baby! Yay us! Everyone is excited! Don’t you love being pregnant? Everyone else does! It’s magical! It’s wonderful! It is the best thing ever!
Except... it's not. Not what I am experiencing anyway.
Reality: Pregnancy is terrifying. I don’t know what’s going on with my body 99.9% of the time. No one tells me what’s normal and what’s not, so I resource most of my own information which is often scary/conflicting/both. My emotions are hectic. Ben used to think my PMS was pretty scary sometimes, but I think lately he has dreaming of happier time when is wife was merely slightly homicidal and cranky for a few days of the month. Now we are both on a perpetual roller coaster ride of my hormones and
the associated emotional highs and lows. Mainly lows.
While I seem to have kicked the Hyperemesis that became my life for the first 12 weeks of this pregnancy, it is still a very recent memory and the nausea has not left the building completely. The smell of our fridge still makes me nauseous every time I open the door, men's cologne makes me dry heave and I still throw-up once or twice most mornings. I just recently had a small relapse into the 'sickness misery' for a few days. I used to think the worst sickness in the world was gastro. I was wrong (<------ Look Ben, I do occasionally admit it). When you have gastro it is dreadful but you know it will be over soon and you just have to get through the next 24-48 hours. Mostly, you can sleep as much as possible and wait till it passes.
Morning sickness is an all-consuming, second lengthening, no-end-in-sight pit of misery, exhaustion and vomit. Not just the throw-up-and-get-it-over-with kind of sick, the kind where everything that goes down comes back up in the form of poisonous, satanic bile. Everything. Every meal, every snack, even every sip of water or swallow of saliva. Even when you don't eat, you're treated to the dry heaves and the nausea. You're so broken-down that all you want to do is go to bed and/or die. Sorry, but there it is. I successfully lost any scrap of dignity that I managed to hold on to for the last twenty-four years in a matter of weeks. My body was starving (literally eating itself) and during the RARE moments when I could evoke the courage to try and eat something (or more likely was forced in to eating something), my menu was based around what would be easiest to vomit back up as that was inevitably the end result. At this point I would like everyone to spare a second of appreciation for my amazing husband. Seriously, this guy would probably wipe my butt if I needed him to. Luckily, it hasn't come to that. He has put up with some pretty messy stuff though. He has emptied my sick bowls, held my hair up, tucked me in when I fall asleep in random places, carried my comatose butt from the car in to bed, forced me to eat, take medication and drink, taken me for 1am snack runs to the servo, dealt with my many emotional break downs both in public and private and just generally exceeded my expectations in all areas of awesome husband-ness.
At this point I would like to make something clear. I am very much aware of the fact that I am growing and developing a new life inside me. As the weeks go by the sheer magnitude of this reality slowly sinks in further and further. There is a HUMAN. ALIVE. THAT LIVES IN MY BELLY! It moves, it wriggles, it does all kinds of stuff, and all the while I am pottering around, continuing with my life as normal, we share my body. I am awesome.
And, for the record, I already love my unborn baby. This is a feeling that has developed naturally since Ben and I found out we were pregnant at a little over 4 weeks and it gets stronger every week. I can’t wait to meet him/her and smother him/her with awesome loving-ness.
This week, the baby can sense light if it is shined on my belly and will react to pressure applied to my belly as well. That explains why every time I find Baby with the Doppler, he/she moves away from it within a few seconds and I have to chase the little bugger around my belly. He/she is busy kicking up a storm in there (which I can't feel just yet) and practicing a variety of facial expressions. Baby is about 10cm from crown to rump or 15cm from crown to feet.
Oh, we got our Nuchal Translucency scan results back, and combined with the blood test Baby has about a 1:20 000 chance of and chromosomal abnormalities. Our Dr confirmed that it is one of the lowest risks he has seen, so we are pretty happy :) Go Baby! With any luck, we will be having another scan in the next week or two to find out if this little bean is a boy or girl... I am very confident with my boy prediction, purely from intuition. I guess I have a 50/50 chance of being right. Can't wait to see!